Untitled Rambling May 31st

Feeling defeated and alone, maybe thinking that writing it down can help it go away

My mom told me last week, “If you’re feeling down, just try and watch your favorite thing on YouTube, or watch a funny show to make you feel better, okay?” Sometimes this is sound advice, especially when you spend many nights falling asleep with tears evaporating from your skin. When do you tell your heart, “Okay, that’s enough feeling, can we please stop torturing ourselves.” It is okay to feel a feeling. It is okay to feel sad or lonely or unheard. But my body just doesn’t want it anymore.. I want to actively reject these feelings that feel like anvils on my chest. and then you think about the world and all of its hurting. I think about the images of people fighting to be treated and seen as a human being. How does that not stir your soul? I think of George Floyd and how he screamed for his mother before he died and what kind of pain it must feel to see your life slip away.

I’m praying to God again wishing for his presence to fill the emptiness and loneliness I feel in my heart. I think about my son and how he sometimes will hold my hand in his sleep even with eyes closed can reach for me and know I’m there.

I think about today being my Lola’s birthday and how she used to grace this Earth with just that… grace. Grace and humility and forgiveness. I think about her smiling face looking down at me from heaven. I think about her soul’s outline next to mine trying to make me feel less alone like I can do this and I am worthy of all the love and all the hugs as I feel the world grieving. How can you not grieve…? This post shouldn’t be about me.

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