Can’t help but lay here and feel the need to check in with my heart. How are you doing? How are you mending? What is broken and how can I fix it? What part of you is missing and how can I get to know you better?
Mom, wife, nurse, graduate student. I’ve taken all of these roles but remember when it used to just be my heart and lined paper? My heart feels full in different ways now. But I don’t have to let go of what used to make it feel full, the self-care things. I think about how easy it used to be to just be who I am without thinking of the repercussions of “what will they think?” I’ve taken on these roles and yet the closest people to me know that I have other passions that have the power to reach. I miss that feeling a lot and I am thankful for the friends I have that remind me, “hey.. remember you can move mountains just with that mind and heart of yours.” That means a lot. Especially when you often feel like you are working towards these new versions of you when the old version was just as good, just as vintage and authentic.
I miss the days when content wasn’t curated or so methodical. I miss the blogger community whose sole purpose was expression by their own means of creativity. I miss the heart to hearts, the messy feelings, the photographs of daily things, the uncensored rambling posts that made you feel like you weren’t so alone in your own thoughts. I think that’s so transparent and human, to shed the feeling of shame and embarrassment and express yourself as you are. And whoever takes fancy to it, then that’s how you can dwindle down your friends list and realize who really appreciates what makes you.. you.
I hope that in this season of unexpected change, you remember again what ignites the fire in your heart and soul. I hope that you never forget the moments when you were alone and the things you would do that brought your heart and mind at ease. As we all grow older and become accustomed to adulthood, I hope that you still hold onto those pieces of your adolescence: the longing, the dreaming, the poetry, the passion, and the love you grew for yourself just from bare soil. Water your roots every chance you get and keep close the people who feel like rain when you are barren.
2 thoughts on “Midnight Musing”
I like the reminder to check in with myself every once in a while, but most of all, I like the emotions I feel from reading this. Thanks for writing, Cynthia!
This means so much, thank you for reading!