I identify strongly with the meme that says “That awkward moment when your everyday life is called ‘self quarantine’” and then there’s a picture of that distraught, guilty looking monkey.
There is a weird sense of comfort, but also sadness, thinking about how a majority of Americans and the world for that matter, is experiencing what I have basically been feeling since Jayden has been born. Self-isolation. So really, my family’s everyday routine is mostly unchanged, just less therapeutic trips walking the aisles of beloved Target aka Mommy Haven.
It has been a learning process and also an incredibly emotional one. I can’t help but feel the weight on my chest thinking about all of those who are now unemployed and for my fellow healthcare workers risking their own health and the health of their families and loved ones by showing up to those hospitals each day. I feel like the world is almost holding its breath, unsure of how all of this will unravel as the days of social distancing go by. I have a lot of trapped emotions building from this past month… and all I can do is take it day by day, hour by hour.
Jayden is growing up before our eyes. He’s learning more syllables, being even more expressive, developing so many new traits and skills… my little man. When I hear Jayden laugh or see him smile, the stress of the world leaves me. He is our purpose and keeps me going. There are things that I try to do for myself as self-care. I find having routines help me cope: warm lemon water in the morning, the sound of coffee beans grinding when I make Jay and I a cup of coffee, opening the blinds and letting the sun slowly wake itself with us, lighting our Yuzu scented candle, turning on a daily news podcast while we eat breakfast and Jayden plays. I wish I could do this more often, but meditating helps me so much, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. I did a guided meditation the other day and it brought me to tears. I feel like so much of our humanity is hurting because we are afraid of our own feelings and emotions. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to forgive myself for being human or being proud of the journey and life I’ve experienced thus far. So much of our lives depend on the stressors of tomorrow or the weight of our flaws.. we overlook all the love we’ve received.
One day, I will get back to being active and exercising.. I will return to the body I lived in before my baby made a home out of it. The older I get, the more I unfortunately let the heaviness of society’s expectations sink in. And it doesn’t help when you feel you are surrounded by others who also succumb to the pressure. Just live and love the life you have, man… it’s so simple but we make it so complicated. I’m so, so hard on myself. I would be ashamed if I ever spoke aloud the words I said to myself to another human being. Anyway.. that is always a work in progress. Self-love. People laugh at it and roll their eyes, but I don’t let it bother me anymore. You’re the only person in your life that will truly know what you’ve been through. I do my heart a disservice every time I make myself believe that what I am is not enough. I wish I could always show myself compassion, you know, instead of expecting others to somehow show the same for me.