Hello 2020

I’m a really terrible person to follow and my blogger dreams dwindle every yearly update I write. I’m a mama now. Jayden is 8 months old. I’d say that the last time I posted on here, I was getting ready to transition from maternity leave to going back to work, and that’s what got me. Not only was I still working full time with a newborn, another life update: I’m in grad school, again!! As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, I decided one night after months of contemplating to just go for it. I felt like anything was possible. I had already started taking a class for my FNP and took a break when I got pregnant because I didn’t want to stress out and ultimately have it stress out baby. I also thought, I’m young still, and maybe it would be better for me to finish now so that when Jayden gets older, I have more time to spend with him. I mean.. who needs sleep and sanity these days anyway? Do I regret going back? Sometimes, honestly. But am I pushing through it all despite Jayden’s increasing physical attachment to my body & face at all times, despite also trying to hit the gym every week and get a home workout in between baby napping so I can fit into my clothes again? And, perhaps the thing that makes me most sad when I think about it too much, trying to still be a wife to my husband that takes care of literally everything, and finding the energy to express my utmost gratitude and love for all that he does. To not forget to hug him with my exhausted limbs and eyes half open before we say goodnight. It’s just… normal new parent stuff, right?

So, that’s why this blog has been quiet. Even when I did have a free minute, that minute is probably the most treasured, sacred minute of my 24 hour day. There is always something to be washed, folded, cleaned, put away, & organize. From September 2019 to December 2019, I was just a foggy brained, deprived in every way, walking zombie. There were nights I would walk into work with only one total hour of sleep, and then have an assignment due the next day. I love my baby with every fiber and atom in my body. There is no greater love than the one I share with that small, loud human. But God, that was the hardest period of my life. My relationship was feeling neglected because we were both just trying to keep up with all the responsibilities, and didn’t want to hire a stranger to babysit so we could have time to ourselves bc #trustissues. Being a mom, whether you stay at home or you’re working, is a sacrifice. I don’t think you truly understand it until you’re there, baby in one arm, and fixing yourself a quick meal with the other.

As much as I’d like to continue writing on this platform or dedicate sharing my life, this phase of me is just too busy at the moment. Maybe once in awhile, I’ll try to write something heart felt or just give an update to one day look back on. I don’t want this to be only a yearly presence. But for now, I’m just hanging in there the best I can. Some days don’t feel my best, but God has never failed to help me get through those moments.

Until next time,

A Tired Mama

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