Writing this at 1am. Baby is sleeping soundly in his crib to the sounds of ocean waves on the speaker. I wish I could have written a post like this sooner but between finding a moment to rest my eyes and comforting baby close to me, there has really been little time to dedicate myself to this blog, or anything else in life, really. I can thankfully say that as Jayden grows and has been sleeping longer stretches through the night, it has gotten a little easier.
I head back to work this week and a large part of me will miss this precious time in my life that I will always hold close to me. This baby has changed my life in its entirety. Time is just so valuable. Anytime I feel fear or feel alone, I look at him and the weight of the world feels less heavy, my heart lighter. As much as I have loved spending every moment with him, I can’t hide from those post partum blues. It’s strange to think that these last few months have held both my most beautiful memories, and some of my darkest. The loneliness is inevitable. I held onto the closest people in my life for support as I transitioned into this new life. I joined online support groups for mothers with new babies so that I could feel that connection again and feel part of something. Social media was both my best and worst outlets. On one side, I found peace in knowing I could relate to so many women and began following accounts that uplifted me in being a new mom. But then on the other side, scrolling through the lives of friends I began losing touch with after being a new parent, hurt also, and still continues to leave dents in my heart. I left a certain part of me behind.. I sacrificed my old life for this new one and it was my choice to do so. Every day I am getting through it the best I can, looking at the lighter side and it’s blessings. I’m doing my best to just focus on myself and my own goals. I truly feel like every time I look into my son’s eyes, I’m looking into something so pure and angelic and it feels like a privilege to watch him grow every day. I have always wanted to be as real and as transparent as I could whenever I would blog, because that was always the kind of content that drew me in other people’s writing.
I can say with confidence that these past three months have toughened me up so much. I used to dwell and sulk for hours and hours on end before I had Jayden.. but now, I just have to keep going. For my family and for myself. I often wonder how we build the stamina to endure life’s toughest moments, and I’ve found that the only way is to just go through them. Just keep going. Keep moving, even if it feels like stumbling or treading through the eyes of a storm. I remind myself that it gets better and despite feeling like I’ve lost.. I will always have God watching over me. I wouldn’t be here without my faith, without surrendering myself to something higher than what I know or where I stand. The universe is always working in our favor and we are much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.