I always thought Spring was supposed to be this rejuvenation of the self, like shedding your wintery grays and blues and beginning your dreamy, pastel-colored bloom. I felt like May dragged me to the ground like bags of sand. An unforgiving awakening that left me questioning a lot of things about who I was and where I was headed. As much as I loved the experiences I had in Japan in April, coming back home hit a rough spot in my soul. I had a hard time getting back into a routine of eating better, exercising regularly, meditating, etc. Traveling to different destinations is fun and can be eye-opening, but sometimes I feel like we use it as an excuse to escape ourselves when we’re having a difficult time dealing with our reality. That was a hard truth I had to face when I came back from overseas – being able to look at myself in the mirror and asking myself, “Do I like the person that I’m becoming?”
A lot of things happened in May. I was working a lot more to fill the deficit left from our Japan trip, and I was finding myself sulking on my days off, and I don’t really know why. I didn’t feel like I was myself anymore. Instead of putting myself out there in the world, I was closing myself off and feeling like a prisoner to my phone. I didn’t really want to engage in social outings. I was tired all the time, even if I had a full nights rest. And I wasn’t really doing anything to make myself better. I looked to the planets and wondered what was going on and it seemed like a lot of my friends were going through the same rut. I don’t remember what was going on astrologically, something with the moon probably, but at the end of the month, Jay and I went to California to just get away again. And it hit me. There, staring at the ocean, all of my emotions just came rushing through my blood and my heart and I couldn’t help but cry and cry and cry all of the oceans inside of me. I realized that I just couldn’t be this way anymore and I had to fight for myself. I had to love myself. And I had to stop believing that who I am and what I have to offer is a waste of time.
You’d think as a health professional, I could coach myself into being better. I’ve studied the coping mechanisms. I’ve taught patients coping mechanisms. And yet in my own life, I stay stuck doing the same thing over and over, with no results. I’m only human. Tomorrow, I start orientation at my new job, and I’m very excited for that. The past week, I’ve completely changed my diet and eliminated meat, dairy, and mostly all animal products, something I have always been drawn to do but never had the courage to change. I started meditating again, trying to let God, let the universe, guide me in my truth. I started turning to my keyboard to write more, like now, in hopes that I can find my voice again. I feel like sometimes when I begin to write, even though there aren’t any sounds coming out of my mouth and I’m not speaking directly to anyone, I can hear and feel my voice cracking, like the words want to escape but my heart is holding back, shaking, pleading, and saying, “No, not now, I can’t handle it. I can’t feel this.” I’ve been going through a lot of change and it hurts. But I once saw a quote on a wall saying that nothing beautiful can come out of staying in your comfort zone. This, writing a post that anyone can see, is vulnerable territory that I haven’t stepped foot in for…. years. I want to be more honest with myself, less afraid to let my heart feel or say what it wants to say. I feel like every day is a small step forward from where I used to be, no matter how hard it is to embrace that change. I didn’t create this blog just to share my photos or my travels. I created Soft Speak in hopes that I could have the courage to share who I am, to speak even though my voice is soft. A lot of the reasons why I do feel so out of place in my own self is because I feel like we are creating a social media culture that makes it seem like everyone is having a good time, and everyone should be having the same good time. The more moments I spend scrolling through my feeds, the farther away I feel from making real connections with people. Being able to talk to one another heart to heart, being open about ourselves and our experiences, and just feeling secure with the fact that there is strength in vulnerability. There is strength in identifying what you feel and knowing that it is OK to feel those things. We are all imperfect beings even though the internet doesn’t present it in that way.
I feel good things for June. Good, good things.